Race Relations

For those who know me well, you will know that I like shopping malls. Not just for the shopping either, but for the escape. Quite simply, I love the sense of normalcy I feel while wandering a shopping mall’s corridors, browsing books in Indigo, or trying on clothes in a fitting room. In these moments, I am just another person among many. I can blend in with this sea of people, I’m anonymous, and I can escape. (I’m realizing I maybe be describing myself as somewhat of a loner, but I promise this is not the case. It’s just that every once in a while I enjoy this feeling of disappearing, as I’m sure many can relate to). Getting lost in a shopping mall grounds me, strangely, and helps me to regain a sense of normalcy. My housemate Nikki can attest that we took many a shopping trip together over the last few years, to escape the stresses of university life.

I will now proceed to my point…

This anonymity is impossible for me in Malawi- it just doesn’t happen, and I am really struggling with this fact. I stick out like a sore thumb, I feel watched all the time. To put it plainly- I am finding it quite difficult to be white. In the last 4 weeks, the colour of my skin has, for me, raised two distinct feelings. The first is frustration, the second is concern.

Frustration.

Yes, I’ll admit it. It’s getting to me. The constant “Mzungu! Mzungu!” is really starting to get to me. I’ve been told by a very wise friend, who has been here 7 years, that the name-calling never stops. Another thing: staring. Two days ago while waiting for a drive after work, I was stared at by a young girl at a close proximity for 30 minutes, literally. I pressed her on what her name was, whether she attends school, where she lives, etc… but she simply stared, looking at me like I was a 3-headed alien. The staring is very uncomfortable and hard to get used to.

I’m sure many reading this are thinking, “What’s the big deal? Just ignore the staring and name-calling and get over it!” A valid response, one I’m really trying to take into consideration, but there is a second feeling bothering me even more than the frustration:

Concern.

I am concerned, in a way, that my background will hinder the work that I came here to do. Not only will there be a language barrier between myself and some of the younger girls I will be working with in the schools, but, I’m very afraid that these kids will not take me or what I’m saying seriously. Every time I’ve walked into a school so far, the kids have pointed and laughed. Is this what they will do when I’m trying to work with them in the Violence program? Will they even listen to what I have to say?

In many ways I feel like they will not trust me. To them I am a strange visitor, a white face out of only a few they have seen before, white faces that leave as quickly as they came. The girls know I will leave soon to return to where I came from, knowing little about their country or the problems they face. Will they trust me, this stranger, to be open about the issue of violence in their lives? In a sense I feel like a hypocrite being here for such a short time and then returning to the luxury of life in Toronto, in the meantime pretending like I know what life is like for girls here. I worry they will see right through me, and not trust or respect what I’m trying to share with them, about their rights to education, protection against HIV/AIDS, the importance of self-esteem, and other things.

This morning my colleague and I established a work plan for the Violence Against Girls in Education project (finally!), and I am excited to get started. Next week we will be introducing ourselves and the program to the girls in the schools, and working out which day of the week works best for each school’s administration. I am thankful I was able to convince my colleagues that 3 schools would be plenty to focus on for now (as term ends here in just 7 weeks!). I was worried we would be spreading ourselves too thin if we tried to focus on all 11 schools in the area (their original plan). But now we have worked out that we will visit each school one day a week, and run the programming for an hour after school ends, covering a different topic each week. I am excited to “build capacity” in this program, which is WUSC’s purpose for having me here in the first place. I hope that over the next several weeks, we can build a solid foundation and schedule for running the program, which YOUDAO will be able to repeat over and over with several schools next year and beyond.

So, as I end my 4^th week here in Malawi, I am filled with both concern and excitement regarding work. I hope I can build mutual trusting relationships with the girls, and they will see me as someone who wants to help them and teach them, and not just another white face.

Thanks for your ongoing support.

Love to all,
Jacqueline